City Life vs. Country Living

 

So let’s look at the pros vs. the cons of the city life and country living, shall we?

urban-etiquette-300x171CONS to City Life:

  1. Crime Rate – You’re much more inclined to be considered a victim of a crime living in a large city. But is that because there are more people in the city, thus making the statistics seem higher or is it because people in the city are just meaner? Hmmmm…..a pondering thought, no?Guess that would be a PRO for the Country living. Unless being trampled by a cow is considered a crime!
  2. Expensive – It is a known fact that it costs more in the city. But I think that that is because you have everything you need at your fingertips. You have the better resturants, better bars, better clubs, etc etc etc! The very fact is that the price of living in cities is likewise very significant. A lot of the population prefer living in a large town mainly due to the fantastic advantages it has compared to living within the countryside.Another PRO for the Country living. Especially when you have all of your money buried in the back yard or under your mattress. But then again, it could be a CON for the Country because you have to drive 20 miles just to get to your nearest Walmart!
  3. Pollution – Ok, I have to admit, this is a CON for the city and a big PRO for the Country! But your medical facilities may be more convenient for you in the City rather than in the Country. Fresh air is surely one of the primary positive elements of country living in comparison with city life. Country living has loads of benefits despite the reality that the city appears to be so appealing.

The thing is, both places have their own PRO’s & CON’s to them. It is really up to each individual person as to what they want, like, and prefer. city-country-living-300x200

In case you have the ability to work at home, living within the country may be wonderful although it’s important to remember, that taking good care of the property can take a huge sum of time.

Those are just a number of the many advantages of living out of town. City Life vs. Country Living There are several advantages and pitfalls of choosing to reside in the ‘burbs or the country or to reside in the city.

Some individuals are fonder of life within the city as opposed to the ‘burbs / country or vice versa due to a variety of factors.

Initially, the thought of raising kids within the city was daunting. Suburban life is much more relaxed. It’s the people which make the city and also the experience. Social possibilities with a huge number of people living together, cities provide you with an opportunity to make new friends.

Living within the country offers quite a few benefits over city dwelling however it’s not as idyllic as many individuals think it’s.

Elevator Etiquette

We live in a city. So, most of us, including many of you, work in offices.

Offices with people. All kinds of people. Big people, little people…regardless of their size, they can be annoying. It is especially irritating when one of you peasants interrupts our elevator ride.caramel-macchiato-frappuccino-300x241

The elevator ride up to the office is the last little piece of heaven before we have to open the big steel door and go pony up for “The Man.”

So please – don’t piss us off so we can hold our crap together until at least 10:00 a.m. and not flip out before our Starbucks Caramel Macchiato pump us full of overly-sugared, syrupy, crack a-lacking legal .

Ok – we’re ready now that we re-aranged all of the action figures on our desk to make sure they are in battle stance (yes we’re nerds!).

1. Elevator Occupants Out First!

elevator-etiquette1-300x225 Mr. Middle Management – we know you are super excited to get to work for another round of severances, but how about you slow down and let the people in the elevator out first before you bum-rush the open doors and practically hump their legs on the way in?

Although we didn’t do well in math and physics, we sure can tell you there’s no room for your Stetson-smelling, animal-tie-wearing, pit-stained self in the elevator until the original occupants get out.

And how about giving them some room! Just because you’re not running into them doesn’t mean you still aren’t still being an ass. Give them ROOM to exit. Unless said occupants have personalized jet packs and can fly over your fat ass, move it over!
2. Do not eat in the elevator!

Man oh man – that double stacker tuna casserole sandwich you just bought in the cafeteria sure does look good but how about you keep it in the bag there bucko, rather than opening it on the elevator.

Seriously man – keep that thing under wraps! That tuna is already starting to cling to the walls like bad wallpaper and I am sure we will be walking out smelling a little fishy ourselves, so we definitely DO NOT want you pulling that bad boy out of it’s safe place!

You can wait the 90 or so seconds it takes to get to your floor and then the addtional 30 seconds it takes to get to your cube to open your lunch. We’re certain your co-workers won’t be happy about it either, but that is an entirely different blog for later.

Your lunch = your business…but please don’t eat in the elevator and make your fellow passengers want to throw you on the ground along with your sandwich wrapper.

3. It can ONLY hold so much!

Yes, elevators have weight capacity guidelines posted on that little inspection sheet in the corner, but that doesn’t mean 1200 pounds is the “goal weight” of the elevator! This is no contest on how many suits we can stuff in there so that we have a good joke whilst standing at the water cooler.

elevator-rules-orig-300x192

NEW YORK, NY – JANUARY 18: Older job-seekers crowd into an elevator on the way to a employment seminar at a “Work Search” event aimed at older unemployed people January 18, 2011 at a high school gymnasium in the Harlem neighborhood of New York City. The event, sponsored by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), consisted of workshops for basic job skills like resume building targeted to an over-50 job seeking demographic. Unemployment for older worker has decreased slightly in the past year, though rates are still three times higher than they were a decade ago, when only 2.5 percent of people over 45 were jobless. (Photo by Chris Hondros/Getty Images)

No, we’re not going to weigh you before you get in. Just pay attention to your surroundings and the other people you are getting on the elevator with. The last thing we want is to get stuck on this puppy with Cheeto Face and Sweaty Mid-Management Man for a good hour while they try to get us out with the jaws of life cause we broke the effing elevator.

If said elevator is too gosh darn full, then wait another two minutes there, Sparky – you won’t die but your double stacker tuna cassarole sandwich may get cold.

Waiting in Line Etiquette

I have no idea why I even have to go over this and why this isn’t common sense, but people: figure out how to form a line without getting in the friggin’ way!

It’s very simple: don’t form a line out into a walkway.
Don’t form a line in the middle of anything, really!
That’s it! That’s all there is to it! This is so ridiculous that we certainly wouldn’t bother if it were as obvious to the general public as it should be. Seriously – just line up in such a way that you’re alongside a wall or otherwise out of the way.

 
tax-day-post-office-300x225Aggravating example #1: The Post Office on Tax Day

Look, we get it – totally! We know you’re in a hurry. So are we. We all procrastinated until the last minute. Shame on us all!

But help us out here… We already want to Go Postal (literally), but don’t fuel the fire by lining up across the open room and in front of the door or paperwork kiosk! We already have it in for The Man. Don’t line up into our cross hairs, for crying out loud!

Aggravating example #2: ATM Lines

I know this may be a difficult thing for ‘burb dwellers and country folk to understand, especially since all of their ATMs are drive up ones, BUT if the ATM is out on the street and you’re waiting in line to use it, for cripes’ sake *move the hell alongside the wall rather than perpetuating a line that juts out into the sidewalk. Sidewalks are for walking. People can’t walk when your punk arse is standing in the way.

*Caveat: do NOT stand right next to the person at the ATM! Give them some space so they don’t think you’re trying to nab their PIN! …unless you’re trying to nab their PIN. In which case, Urban-Etiquette.net claims no responsibility for Identity Theft.

Aggravating example #3: Grocery Store Linesmochadad-whole-foods-hurricane-ike-300x200

When possible, curve your line around (alongside cashier product displays, etc) rather than straight out from the cashier so that you’re not lining up into an area that is intended for passersby.

We realize that many grocery stores are not well-designed for this. That is not your fault. But you can help by simply being aware of the flow of foot-traffic around you and by doing your best to stay out of the way.

Believe us: if you get in the way of a socialite debutante and her crumpets at Whole Foods – you’re asking for it!

DO:
Form lines. Lines are the commonly-accepted way to wait your turn. Goooood etiquetter, you get a biscuit.

DO NOT:
Form lines out into walkways. Again, you can’t always help it, but most of the time you can stay out of the way of pedestrians by simply lining up using common sense.

House Party Etiquette

Summer time is upon us and we are all about the house parties, pool parties, adult cook outs, BBQs, and Man Cave bashes! Really, anything that we use as an excuse to get together and have some fun. house-party-300x200

But, as with every other post on this blog, I have to lay out a few rules and regulations and give you mo-fo’s some tact lessons when it comes to House Party Etiquette!

We are adults now and with being an adult comes certain responsibilities and behaving properly, for the most part. So I have come up with a few do’s and don’ts when it comes to having and heading to your next house party, mmmkay!

DO:
byob-300x200Bring a dish or BYOB (bring your own beverage) Your host(ess) has spent a ton of money buying everything, setting stuff up, and providing you a fun place to let loose and party. As soon as you get that call or text letting you know that you are invited to a party, ask them if there is something that they would like you to bring.

DON’T:

Do not be an Indian Giver or a takesy backsy! Seriously dude, what the flippin’ eh are you thinking? Nothing is worse than you being a cheap skate and taking back what you brought in. Even if you have 2 beers left, you better keep your drunk paws off of them. And that bottle of liquor that never got touched, consider that the price of admission. LEAVE IT!

DO:

Be respectful to the home or garage (like this one – click here) that you are going to be letting loose at. If you spill something, clean it up. No need to be a complete and utter pig! best rule of thumb, treat it the way you would want others to treat your pad!

DON’T: opendataparty-cover-300x150

Throw up all over the place. Make sure you get to a toilet, trash can, or even in the yard AWAY from everyone else! Don’t piss all over the toilet and/or floor because you are trying to play ‘pop the bubbles’ with your own urine. Dude, have some class!

DO:

If this is a classier dinner party, make sure you RSVP to it please. Let the host(ess) know that you are coming so that enough food will be prepared. Also, let them know if you are bringing someone.

DON’T:

Show up unannounced or with extra guests. And for the love of pete, DO NOT show up with kids to any type of house party unless your friends have kids and you have specifically asked if kids are allowed. Seriously – is that what you want your kids to see anyway?

Have fun this summer and be safe! Send in your pics and comments of your summer parties!

Apartment Living Ettiquette

Music is a beautiful thing. But not at 4 in the morning.

Unless you own your own place, that is. Then wail away, Hendrix.loud-neighbor-300x188

But if your humble abode is attached to other abodes of humbleness, you should know better than to rock Lady Gaga’s latest single after bar time.

If you are a ‘burb dweller or a country folk, then by all means, you can wail away until the cows come home.

But then again, it is something you probably already knew that you were able to do and therefore would not need my permission to do so.

In fact, if you are a ‘burb dweller or a country folk, why the heck would you even be reading this post?

Well, if you decide to come to the city for a long, extended visit and you need to know what Apartment Living Etiquette is like….

You should. But since you don’t, let us lay it on ya:

DO:
Play your music…and play it out loud!

Enjoy yourself. You pay the bills (at least you should) and you have a right to blast away!

DO NOT:
Play music (recording OR instruments!) at high decibels and inappropriate times.

We’re not going to spell it out any further here. This one you can figure out. Weekends are generally cool and understandable, but 3 a.m. on a weekend night is still not kosher as Christmas you jag-off. SO don’t do it!

So the next time you come stumbling from the bar, go straight to your bathroom medicine cabinet and open it. There you will find the note you wrote yourself saying:

Check the time.
If after midnight,
No drunken renditions of
Johnny Cash on the
Un-tuned guitar!

While you’re in there, grab two Ibuprofen (you’ll thank us tomorrow) and then head over to your Guitar Hero instead. With the headphones!

No Wexting In The City

Ceonx0qXEAAKPCO-300x173WEXTING – to walk and text at the same time with no regards to who or what you run into!

When it gets to the point that an entire city feels it must pad its lamp posts due to the severe inconsiderateness of some of its populace, something must be done!

According to news reports, portions of London are now testing the effective implementation of padded lamp posts.

…Yes, you read that correctly.

Why? Because apparently a significant sub-sect of Londoners are running into things while attempting to walk and text at the same time.

What should be a no-brainer is apparently a matter for the British government to tackle.

No such luck here. We’ll handle good old American stupidity the Capitalistic way! By blogging about it for money!

Why not, right?download

Hell, we say: if some people (not even just some too-busy Brits who can’t be asked to gaze ahead of their gait) are ignorant enough to run into things whilst walk-texting (wexting!), then they deserve a chipped tooth or three!

Maybe some of these ^&#()&s will even smack themselves hard enough to knock their reproduction gene for good. The mere possibility makes us demand that the U.S. boycott even any mention of implementing any such nonsensical wastes of taxpayer funds here. After all, helping people not hurt themselves is thoroughly un-American!

This goes beyond the UK and the city. I have even heard tell of some of the ‘burb dwellers and country folk have had this problem. When you are walking down the hallway of your school or you are in the store shopping for your TV dinners, WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING! Don’t no one want to be hit in the back of their ankles with your cart cuz you can’t WAIT to post some stupid status about all the milk, eggs, and bread being gone just because the weather man predicted a 1/4″ of snow!

Seriously people! This is the most COMMON of all common sense!

DO:
Text message.

DO NOT:
Wext!
Or try to actively transport yourself by any means whilst texting!

In this case, the Do Not’s also include:
-Walking
-Riding a bike
-Skateboarding
-Rollerblading
-Pushing infants in strollers (also known as walking…with a mini-human)
*-Driving
-Skipping rope
-Leap-Frogging

*If someone decides to drive and text at the same time, then it is your duty and civil right to smack the crap out of said offender at the very first opportunity that you get.

Public Restroom Line Etiquette

toliet-rulesThis is another one of those “this should go without saying” but yet…I have to mention it and bring it up!

When visiting an event, a concert, or any public gathering, OF ANY KIND, you will assuredly find shortages of the porcelain kind. In other words, you will have to stand in line to visit the loo. So be ready and be prepared.

I have included some very common courtesies that you need to contend with to make life and the bathroom line a little less frustrating and annoying!

Courtesy # 1 – First Come – First Serve

cutting-in-line23-300x174Ok, seriously people! What is wrong with people that like to ‘cut in line’? Didn’t you learn this in kindergarten? Anyone that is in line or in front of you when you arrive, goes BEFORE you. It is just that simple. Nothing to difficult there, eh?

One tip though….go to the line where the most males are standing. It is common sense – they are going to move faster due to the *ahem* equipment that they carry.

You’re welcome.

Courtesy # 2 – Keep it Moving!

The bathroom is not a conference room or a social hangout. Especially when there are a disproportionate number of restrooms, anyway. If this is some swank spot with posh facilities, then have at it. Go cry, laugh, gossip and make mischief all you want. But if there are throngs of people leaning against walls or hopping around with crossed legs and looks of anguish about them, do us all a favor and make it snappy.

You can do your makeup and talk with your lady-friend over near the mirrors, for goodness sakes.

Courtesy # 3 – Pint Size Peanuts Need Help!kids-bathroom-300x169

We all love the little wipper snappers and they are just as cute as a button until you send them to a line that is a mile long and they are dancing around trying
not to wet themselves.

Kids are slow, messy, clueless, rude and stinky. So don’t send your unaccompanied tyke off to a high-tension line for a public bathroom unless you mean to punish them. After all, these little ones need help among the big bad city folk and we shan’t be held responsible for the things that may or may not come out of the mouths of the sailors accompanying the restroom.

Courtesy # 4 – NOT the Seat, man!

When “draining the lizard” into toilet fellas, lift the damned seat. We’re ashamed that we even have to tell you this, but we’ve been to far too many public toilets only to find your little dribblet gifts left in a most inconsiderate manner all over the seat and floor.

Learning how to properly pee pee is usually a toddler-age feat, so get it together already, ya jerks

Courtesy # 5 – High Fives Not Allowed

gross-hands-300x190Wash your damned hands, ya filthy animal. No really. Please. And since public events often don’t provide the best facilities, consider popping a couple of wet-naps in your pocket or snagging a small bottle of hand sanitizer on your way out the door.

Until you can make a habit of basic cleanliness, we’ll pass on the high-fives, mmkay? Yeah, thaaaanks.

These are just a few of the courtesies that go a LONG way whether you are in the country, the ‘burbs, or the city. It is COMMON sense, so please….use it!

Taxi Cab Etiquette

When in the city, hailing a cab is a pretty simple and easy process:

  1. Flag down a cab
  2. Enter & give destination
  3. Pay & exit

Simple, right?

Not for some!

Thus, the reason for the Taxi Cab Etiquette. To help all of those country folk and the ‘burb dwellers to conquer the TAXI CAB MISHAPS! (Cabbies can thank me later)

Rule #1 – My Way or the Highway

straight-shot-150x150fare’s (that’s you) preference rules the ride. If said route is ignored and your ride subsequently takes longer or costs more, you then reserve the right to pay less than the displayed fare.

Is this the direct route or is the cabbie ‘milking’ you? This rule also applies to an experienced cabbie “accidentally” taking a wrong turn / incorrect off-ramp that then adds additional time and cost to the trip.

Rule #2 – First Right of Clown Car Refusal

When that cab rolls up and you and your 4 pals all try to pile in, that cabbie has the right to refuse to let that MANY people in his cab. After all, that is extremely illegal and your cabbie knows that he would be the one getting the ticket is Mr. Fuzz pulls him over, not you! So nice try, hire a limo or hail a second cab there slick!

Rule #3 – Play that Funky Music, White Boy!play-that-funky-music-300x165

You (the fare) have the right to request a radio station, but it’s the cabbie’s car so unfortunately your request can be denied or ignored. However, you do have the right to dictate the volume of anything
playing in the back seat during your ride. So if you are wanting that funky music played and you are kindly denied, that does not mean that you have to suffer through some wild music that you can’t even understand the words to. Maybe you and your buds can start singing Koom-bah-ya.

Rule # 4 – Exit the correct way, dummy!

Ok, this is a pet peeve of mine and drives me bonkers every time I see it. When you are exiting a cab, GET OUT ON THE SIDEWALK SIDE!!! Do not try to dodge cars barreling down the city streets by opening your door on the street side. Just slide your fat butt over and get out on the correct side. No cabbie wants to see you or his door ripped in half because you are too dense to know which side to get out on!

Rule #5 – Tip the Cabbie!29cityroom-taxi-blog480-300x200

Seriously man, this should go without saying, but apparently, it needs to be addressed. SO…tip the friggin cab driver when you are getting out. The dude just saved you from walking 20 blocks or saved you from making a complete and utter fool of yourself by driving drunk. (we all know how I feel about that one)

If the cabbie was nice, took you on a direct route, let you listen to your favorite tunes, then by all means, tip the dude / dudette! A good rule of thumb is to tip 10-30% of the fare!

Being a jerkface takes VERY little effort but being a nice guy that comes into the city goes a long way.

So, play nice and the city will play nice back!

She’s Pregnant – MOVE!

That lady with a big tummy? Yeah, she’s pregnant.

She could probably use a seat. Your seat. In fact, we’d go so far as to insist that unless you are disabled in some way (being fat doesn’t count), you should give her your seat.
We know. No, we get it. You were there first, it’s rightfully yours, yadda yadda, blah blah blah.

There’s one simple response to every excuse: don’t be a jerk!
…Jerkk.

This is a tough one because it requires actual, physical awareness of one’s surroundings. Apparently, this is quite a lot to ask of some folks.

Offer-seat-to-pregnant-ladies-1024x398
But while you’re zoning out your sea of newspapers, magazines, messenger bags, laptops and/or iPod earbuds, you should really be aware of what is going on around you.

That’s just good advice for anyone, anywhere. If some shady character enters your bus or your train (tube?!) car, you should know about it just in case. It’s a matter of personal safety.

It is a kindness that, well, goes without saying. At least it should!

I dare say that unless you are a woman and you have been through being 7 months pregnant in the middle of July traipsing through the city, barely catching the bus because you are carrying an extra 15 pounds IN FRONT, then you have no right to NOT give up your seat.

I mean come on – if it were your wife, sister, mother, or aunt, wouldn’t you do it?

No comment.

We don’t know and heck, we don’t wanna know! Neither do you, so just get up and offer your seat if you know what’s good for you. Trust us.

DO:
Give up your seat to child-bearers (womb-tastic, infantile, and toddler-iffic alike) the elderly, the handicapped and the utterly, unbearably psychotic.

DO NOT:
Be selfish and ignore someone in need simply because you were there first. Call it Karma. Call it good will toward mankind. Shoot, call it figgin “Suzy” if you want! Whatever you call it. Just move.

The Surburbanite’s Guide to Not Sucking in the City

Ok, so you are from Suburban America and you have now moved to the city due to a job, or a spouse, or just because you like the smell of fumes, crowded places, or tall buildings.

That is ok, no one is holding it against you….yet!

But please, for the love of all that is precious, please make sure that you are ‘fitting in’ and not sticking out like a sore thumb. Nothing is more embarrassing for you.

Trust me on this one.

I know you think that everyone in the city is rude and can’t drive, but think about it….YOU are the outsider. We natives have grown up in the city and know how to navigate our way around even in the most impossible crowded situations.

So stopping in the middle of the street to ‘run into a store’ is not ok.

That’s why we put together this list of guidelines for you. So you have a simple list for your immensely frustrating forays into metropolitan culture and events.

The all important guide to visiting the BIG city:

  1. Download Google Maps to your cell phone. maps-local-search1-ss-1920-800x450-300x169
    We also know that you’re perpetually lost whenever you come to the city. So do yourself a favor and Click Here to visit Google’s download page for the mobile version of Google Maps.

    This way, you can have an exact map of where you are and where you want to go, as well as easy access to the nearest coffee shop, sushi restaurant or even visual traffic updates. Of course, you could always ask one of us slick cityfolk for directions. But then again: mama always said we city-folk are all bad’uns, now didn’t she?

  2. Learn how to parallel park.
    h-parallel-parking-300x218We know there are no curbs in the ‘burbs. Or at least very few. But kiddos – you must learn how to friggin’ parallel park! I mean come on – don’t you have to do that even in the country when getting your license to DRIVE?!?!

    It’s a simple staple of life in the city. Take the train if you can’t figure it out. That, or trade in your manhood for one of those self-parallel-parking Lexuseses (Lexi?).

    Here is a diagram, just so you can brush up and refresh your skills!

  3. Take it aside or MOVE it on over! 

    If you’re walking along on the street with your brood, watch where you’re going!

    Seriously!!! I would be willing to bet that you have not quite mastered the walking and talking to your pals and looking for your destination all at the same time. SO DON’T DO IT! You are messing with the grove of the shuffle on the city streets, man!

    And, for the love of all things holy and true, do NOT stop abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk or street when you realize you don’t know where the heck you’re going!

    Or if you feel like talking to your companions, kindly move out of the way before stopping to converse. It’s not rocket-science. It’s simple consideration and survival. If you don’t want to get tazered, move out the way. Period.

  4. Take a breather.

    You know you have a 45-minute+ drive ahead of you when you’re finished with your raucous visit in the city. So please-oh-please-oh-please budget some extra time to sober up before you hop back into your BMW Z4 and put everyone’s lives in danger all the way back out to ____ Park or ____ Lake.

    Serious moment here. (don’t worry, doesn’t happen often)

    We all want to have a good time, but we want everyone safe as well. Dude – it is NEVER cool to drink and drive!

    Just sayin’!

  5. Don’t be That Guy.
    You know what we’re talking about. And although you’d never admit it. You know when you’re being That Guy.
     ThatGuy-VandenbergAirForceBase
    The guy who wears the T-shirt of the band he’s about to go see. The guy who not only ogles women who are significantly younger than him (dude, she’s sixteen), but also hurls ridiculous comments and pick-up lines toward her and hilariously Chaach-eriffic physical threats toward bouncers, fellow drinkers and, when in the right mood – even your own companions.
    Being a chode wasn’t even cool in high school. Too bad you never grew out of it. Here’s business card for the Hair Club for Men.