The Surburbanite’s Guide to Not Sucking in the City

Ok, so you are from Suburban America and you have now moved to the city due to a job, or a spouse, or just because you like the smell of fumes, crowded places, or tall buildings.

That is ok, no one is holding it against you….yet!

But please, for the love of all that is precious, please make sure that you are ‘fitting in’ and not sticking out like a sore thumb. Nothing is more embarrassing for you.

Trust me on this one.

I know you think that everyone in the city is rude and can’t drive, but think about it….YOU are the outsider. We natives have grown up in the city and know how to navigate our way around even in the most impossible crowded situations.

So stopping in the middle of the street to ‘run into a store’ is not ok.

That’s why we put together this list of guidelines for you. So you have a simple list for your immensely frustrating forays into metropolitan culture and events.

The all important guide to visiting the BIG city:

  1. Download Google Maps to your cell phone. maps-local-search1-ss-1920-800x450-300x169
    We also know that you’re perpetually lost whenever you come to the city. So do yourself a favor and Click Here to visit Google’s download page for the mobile version of Google Maps.

    This way, you can have an exact map of where you are and where you want to go, as well as easy access to the nearest coffee shop, sushi restaurant or even visual traffic updates. Of course, you could always ask one of us slick cityfolk for directions. But then again: mama always said we city-folk are all bad’uns, now didn’t she?

  2. Learn how to parallel park.
    h-parallel-parking-300x218We know there are no curbs in the ‘burbs. Or at least very few. But kiddos – you must learn how to friggin’ parallel park! I mean come on – don’t you have to do that even in the country when getting your license to DRIVE?!?!

    It’s a simple staple of life in the city. Take the train if you can’t figure it out. That, or trade in your manhood for one of those self-parallel-parking Lexuseses (Lexi?).

    Here is a diagram, just so you can brush up and refresh your skills!

  3. Take it aside or MOVE it on over! 

    If you’re walking along on the street with your brood, watch where you’re going!

    Seriously!!! I would be willing to bet that you have not quite mastered the walking and talking to your pals and looking for your destination all at the same time. SO DON’T DO IT! You are messing with the grove of the shuffle on the city streets, man!

    And, for the love of all things holy and true, do NOT stop abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk or street when you realize you don’t know where the heck you’re going!

    Or if you feel like talking to your companions, kindly move out of the way before stopping to converse. It’s not rocket-science. It’s simple consideration and survival. If you don’t want to get tazered, move out the way. Period.

  4. Take a breather.

    You know you have a 45-minute+ drive ahead of you when you’re finished with your raucous visit in the city. So please-oh-please-oh-please budget some extra time to sober up before you hop back into your BMW Z4 and put everyone’s lives in danger all the way back out to ____ Park or ____ Lake.

    Serious moment here. (don’t worry, doesn’t happen often)

    We all want to have a good time, but we want everyone safe as well. Dude – it is NEVER cool to drink and drive!

    Just sayin’!

  5. Don’t be That Guy.
    You know what we’re talking about. And although you’d never admit it. You know when you’re being That Guy.
    The guy who wears the T-shirt of the band he’s about to go see. The guy who not only ogles women who are significantly younger than him (dude, she’s sixteen), but also hurls ridiculous comments and pick-up lines toward her and hilariously Chaach-eriffic physical threats toward bouncers, fellow drinkers and, when in the right mood – even your own companions.
    Being a chode wasn’t even cool in high school. Too bad you never grew out of it. Here’s business card for the Hair Club for Men.